Dark Dawn's characters
by Wulfulas
Summary: A parody/critique of the new cast of characters. Note: This is meant to be a silly critique and nothing else. Actual opinions of the characters will be formed after playing the game. Warning: Minor Spoilers of Golden Sun Dark Dawn.
1. Chapter 1

The eight adepts stood before their foes, bracing themselves for whatever onslaught that they have to face. Spade and Heart were the most powerful foes they had ever faced, perhaps even more powerful than Isaac and his team, the last generation of warriors that had saved Weyard. But now it was up to these new fighters, Mathew, Karis, Tyrell, Rief, Eoleo, Harumani, Stella, and Himi. Even though the numbers were in their favor, they knew that they were held back by one major problem.

"Guys…there's no way we can win." said Mathew the team leader. "Let's face it. We suck."

There was no arguing with this. The eight knew that with the exception of Mathew, Eoleo, and Harumani, the rest of them were kind of useless. Who would put their faith in such poorly designed characters such as them? Yes it was nice to have a fighter in Stella who didn't use weapons, and yes it was nice to see a Venus magician instead of a warrior like the role filled by Isaac, Felix, and now Mathew. Variety is good. But when going up against enemies as awesome looking as Spade and Heart, the two commanders of the Tsaparang and possibly the most bad-ass opponents since Saturos, what was the point? Where Saturos was hindered was by the unappealing Menardi, and where both Karst and Agatio fell short as well was in the fact that out of these four, only Saturos could be considered a bad-ass awesome villain that you would want to be. Only one out of four. But now with both Spade and Heart each having an amazing design, who could possibly stand up to them? You wanted to be them, not fight them. And if you were to fight them you would have to fight a strange urge not to intentionally lose to them.

Rief came up to Mathew, putting a hand on his shoulder. In his high pitched annoying voice, he tried to restore Mathew's confidence. "We don't suck that much, do we? I'm pretty awesome…right? Right?"

With teary eyes, Mathew stared back and told Rief the truth. "I'm sorry but no, you're not. Look at your glasses, and that roll of scotch tape holding them together. When I played the Dark Dawn demo I saw the name Crown appear and thought that I would have a pretty cool ally on my side. But then I saw your design and my heart sank. At least you had a cool name though, Crown. But for the English dub it got changed to Rief. Rief. You suck worse than anyone!"

The team had lost hope and now were prepared to be beaten by their foes. It was only a matter of time now. But fate seemed to be on their side.

"Look who it is!" exclaimed Karis. "It's Isaac!"

The middle aged warrior leapt between the two forces and drew his sword. "I may not have it in me to defeat you all but I know that I'll be doing everyone a favor by getting rid of you horrible people."

Spade laughed at this remark. "Really? You think you can defeat "The Blade?" Me, the physical embodiment of bad-ass? I'd like to see you try."

Isaac turned his back to the large man and faced his son's party. "Actually I was taking about these guys here. Mathew I'm disappointed with your friends. You, Eoleo, and Harumani are too cool looking to be associated with them so I've made a deal. You can join me and we'll wipe out the others and join the Tsaparang."

Heart stepped forward, confused. "On whose authority?"

"On the authority of your commander. I spoke with him in private just now. The only catch is that I would have to shave my ridiculous beard and then we'd be all good. So what are we waiting for? Let's do this."

Eoleo and Harumani stepped in line with Isaac and drew their weapons. Mathew stayed in line but began to join them as well. Tyrell tried appealing to his lifelong friend. "Matt…don't do this. You know we can get cooler over time."

Mathew stopped and turned and said the last thing we would to his good friend. "I'm sorry Tyrell…but everything they said was true. Everything. I can't go on being best friends with a ginger kid. I can't."

With that they attacked, killing Tyrell, Karis, Himi, Rief, and Stella. Their heads were put on stakes as a warning to the Takahshi Brothers to deter them from making characters as bad as this again. With their work done, the six set out to the Tsaparang homeland, proud of their awesomeness.


	2. Chapter 2

Mia sat by a stream of water, somewhat distraught. She had just been informed of what had taken place a few days before and how Rief, her son had been killed. There was a sadness in her that she couldn't describe, one that she knew was there but at the same time that she would get over in a few days. She still had her daughter Nobel and besides everyone hated Rief. Even Kraden who Rief was apprenticed to had a strong dislike of the boy. Lost in her thoughts she did not notice the strange man approaching from behind her.

"Hello Mia, I see you look well after all of this time." A tall, blue haired man had snuck up. Mia didn't feel threatened, even though she couldn't see his face as it was partially concealed by a mask.

"You can take that silly mask off I know who you are." The man protested that his name was ace but Mia knew better. "Please, even before your silhouette was revealed I knew it was you Alex. I mean, the same hair style and you were in practically the same pose the promotional art from the first two games. It's not fooling anyone by calling you Ace. Now take off that mask. Anyone who wears that mask should be ashamed. I mean _The Phantom of the Opera_? Don't even bother with that crap. I feel sick knowing that you were partially designed to reference Andrew Lloyd Webber."

"That all may be." said the man in a calm collected voice. "I'm not pleased about it myself. Part of the deal I made with Isaac was that I would take my mask off if he shaved and he was more than happy to. His beard never really looked good now did it?" Alex was surprised that Mia was nagging him about what she was. "Wouldn't you prefer to yell at me about why I betrayed everyone to seek out the Golden Sun for myself?"

Mia smiled, "Of course not Alex. That was pretty cool when you think about it so I can't hold it against you. All I can blame you for is getting your ass kicked by the Wise One and sinking into the earth instead of sweeping me up and marrying me."

"Yes I regret that as well. I would have made sure your children wouldn't be as lame as Crown."

"Alex, his name was Rief. When I saw how lame he was I changed it. Did you know when he speaks it's with a high pitched speak like a girl would? Now, I know _Dark Dawn_ hasn't been released yet so I don't know how Noble looks but if she's also lame, chances are her name gets changed as well."

"If that's the case would you like me to take care of her?" Mia looked at Alex right in the eyes, knowing he was serious.

"Of course, along with every other character who looks like a total pussy."

"Well…I'll be busy I imagine." the Mercury Adept laughed to himself. I should get ready for November 29th. I'll see you when that day comes along with the rest of the old gang."

Turning to leave he felt Mia's hand on his shoulder. "Alex." she whispered. "Kill any fan fiction writers while you're at it."

Levitating into the air, he teleported away right after promising to her, "I'll see what I can do."


	3. Chapter 3

On the eve of the American release of Golden Sun: Dark Dawn, a fan fiction writer by the alias of _Bunza4Prez_ sat down and penned the following:

As the doors shut, trapping these powerful men in their bi-monthly negotiations a feeling of dread passed over the room. The council of Angara was now in session. The secretary called the role.

"Lord Iodem of Tolbi."

"Here."

"Lord Hammet of Kalay."

"Here."

"Lord McCoy of Bilibin."

"Ay, I'm a here."

"The Angaran Triumvirate is now in session, first on the agenda comes the new taxes implemented on Silk Road by Tolbi."

Hammet frowned to the battle ahead. He knew that Iodem was ruler of the most powerful city in the world and this new tax would only add to his power. A loophole in an old document revealed that the path known as Silk Road crossed into land that had been under a territorial claim by the people of Loho, allies to Tolbi who had sold the land allowing the political leveridge to tax to Silk that was to be sold, the heart of Hammet's income. Skilled wordplay would be required.

"As we all know, it takes a great leader to raise his people well. The recent fall of Alhafra was due to the plague of over taxation and corruption. I realize we considered this matter closed when we sent a formal protest and political sanctions four meetings ago, yet it has a bearing on the case that the tariff imposed by Tolbi. I request that the-"

Stopping his story to check the golden sun forums and to see if user _Yepp'sFolly_ had responded to his last post. It was in discussion about what Psynergetic element Laurel the Tree belonged to and only a fool would dare argue that Laurel was anything but Jupiter. Seeing no response, _Bunza4Prez_ closed the window, where Arcanus looked back on the background.

Suddenly, out of the computer screen came Arcanus, floating above _Bunza4Prez_ and looking none too pleased.

"So, a fanfiction writer. Time to die."

"Oh my Wise One! It's Arcanus. Oh please kill me! It would be an honor." The young author squealed.

"Wow, you are messed up. Wait did you call me Arcanus?" And so _Bunza4Prez_ sat Arcanus down and explained that in the English version of Dark Dawn, he was no longer known as Ace. Spade was now Blados, Harumani was Amiti, and plenty of others had some less than stellar names. Arcanus saw a future name campaign on the horizon, worse than the whole Picard Peirs debacle. When this was all over Arcanus sat the author down.

"Look, I'm on a mission. I need to kill a large number of people but I'm going to start with the Takahashi brothers for screwing up this series. Do you know where they live?"

"Somewhere in Japan."

"Thanks. I'll head there now…wait, what's this?" Noticing the fanfiction being written Arcanus looked it over. When he was finished he understood it all now. "I get it. Only a fan as obsessive as you could dream to write a lame story like this about economics in Weyard. And it is that obsessive nature that has brought me to life to eradicate all of your kind I see now!" Arcunus laughed as _Bunza4Prez _smiled.

"So are you going to kill me now? Please it would be an honor." But as soon as he said that the author took back his words, amending them so that he could live for one week, enough time to play the new game.

Arcanus laughed again "No, I won't but how about I bring back someone from the dead to do so."

Arcanus departed while _Bunza4Prez_ shouted after him "Wait, so can I live?"

"Sorry but no." mumbled an annoying water adept. _Bunza4Prez_ turned around to see Rief standing there. "I'm the one to kill you now." _Bunza4Prez_ was distraught. He was to miss out on the new game in the Golden Sun series, and his story would go unpublished, and he was to be killed by Rief, one of the un-coolest characters in the series.

"Please, let me play the game first." begged _Bunza4Prez._ Rief relented and took out a DS with the game already loaded. Suddenly his hear was cut off and Blados stepped out.

"No, you can't do anything right you worthless piece of…wait am I reading that correctly? My name is Blados? What happened to Spade?" The large man was disgusted by what he read on the computer screen belong to _Bunza4Prez._ _Bunza4Prez _now begged Blados to kill him as he was also a cool character. But Blados simply laughed and jumped back into the computer.

A split second later, Shin the little bitch from Marda jumped out. "I heard they needed a lame character to kill a fanfiction writer." Seeing _Bunza4Prez _Shin cut his head off and jumped back into the computer, right as _Yepp'sFolly_ responded to _Bunza4Prez_ on the forum by saying, "I still thing Laurel is aligned with Venus."

The fanfiction genocide had begun.


	4. Chapter 4

As Takahashi Shugo was busy reading over material for new games to be pitched for Camelot Software Planning (all Mario sports games) he heard a knock on his door. Opening it he found a blue haired man with a mask over his face. "Would you mind telling me exactly why you put a Phantom of the Opera mask on me and renamed me Ace, then Arcanus?" the man asked.

Shugo was a bit taken aback at first. "Wait, are you sure you were supposed to be sent here? Don't tell me the company messed up the order again."

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm one of your creations and I'm here to kill both you and your brother for ruining my awesomeness, and threatening the awesomeness of other awesome characters from Golden Sun."

Shugo simply laughed and told Alex to go away and to tell his boss to send the right person next time. When Alex asked what he was talking about Shugo explained that, "You really are taking your acting job seriously aren't you? Fine, once a week we have a prostitute come over dressed up as one of our characters for my brother to…examine the authenticity of the outfit. This week it was to be Sveta."

"Stella." corrected Alex.

"Sure. Anyway my brother Hiroyuki asked for an Alex cosplayer two weeks ago so there must be a mistake."

"What the hell is wrong with you people? Why? I feel sick…disgusted. What kind of fan base is this that is made up entirely of-"

Before he could finish, Takahashi Hiroyuki stepped into the room saying, "So, Sveta let's see how sharp your claws are." Alex shot a block of ice at him with enough force that his upper body split from his lower half.

"You're next you freak!" he shouted. Shugo cowered in a corner begging for his life and asking why Alex was doing this. "I'll tell you. Because in addition to that awesomeness thing I was telling you about I'd like to add that you did a horrible thing. In Dark Dawn your summons are split over two screens so a part of them is missing. What the hell were you thinking?"

Shugo tried to worm his way out of it by asking, "Well have you even played the game?"

Alex admitted that he hadn't but was basing all of this on information he had seen on the computers of fan fiction writers he had killed on the way. "Oh and come to think of it I killed at Stella cosplayer on my way here. That must have been your prostitute. Oh by the way, one more complaint. You made Crown."

"Oh you mean Rief? He's my favorite character." responded Shugo. At that his bowels were opened up by sickles of ice.

"Not cool man. Not cool. On to the final phase."


	5. Chapter 5

At the secret base of Golden Sun Fandom headquarters the leader of the group, Patcher'sPride was making his nightly rounds. He looked through the medical center where fans of Golden Sun were recovering from their wounds due to the recent genocide of his people. He inspected the metal hospital ward where people were treated for showing preference to the Shining series over Golden Sun. And finally in the main building Patcher'sPride saw that the legacy of Golden Sun would never extinguish.

The secretaries were updating the complete game transcript and had noticed a translation flaw. "When dealing with the names I noticed that Chalis is identified as being an accomplice to Blados based on their names." reported Goma'sRanges. "However their names are less obviously connected than their Japanese names of Heart and Spade respectively. Therefore the translations were taken too literally. I'll have the vice president of complaints send of a letter at once."

Impressed with her efficiency, Patcher'sPride got an update from fact checking minister LadyMcCoyWasWrong. "Upon looking at the obstacle course early in the game it shows the commercialization of the quest of the Warrior's of Vale. Part of this requires the burning of Karst and Agatio, twice. If Felix had been in love it is safe to assume he would have destroyed this money making scheme that required the recreation of his love's death. I'm working with Acting Viceroy of Fan Fiction to make sure that this sort of shipping is no longer considered cannon."

Concerned with LadyMcCoyWasWrong's news, Patcher'sPride countered. "In this dark time when our numbers are being killed off for being fans of Golden Sun, surely we should keep the fan base united. To send out such a proclamation would infuriate many as what you suggest is the discrediting of one of the most popular fan fiction topics of all time."

"Besides, if you want to change a fan fiction get rid of mine." said Alex who teleported into the base. "Honestly, had I known Mia was my cousin I would never have had made all those sexual passes at her. Really, I found out a week ago we were cousins, how do you think I feel about it?" Alex now raised his arms and teleported every awesome character that he had spared early on, all with weapons raised and ready to kill all in this underground lair of pathetic people.

"Wait!" cried Patcher'sPride. "Can't you see that if you kill us off you will be killing off the very source that has given you life? It was the dedication of all of us that had kept you going during the seven years of no new Golden Sun Game. When it's all said and done, you need us to keep going."

The workers all began to applaud lightly. Alex even seemed hesitant but still he was determined, "Can't you see? I'm incestuous because of all of you. If you're killed off than I disappear and I won't live in shame. I need this."

"Wait Alex, there's a compromise. Felix and Jenna were in the same boat of incestuous fan fiction, and they worked through it." Matthew said. "And this loser is right. We need them. We always have."

"Yes Alex, at last you have learned the lesson that all need to know." boomed a voice as the Wise One crashed through the ceiling, the shrapnel killing all of the Golden Sun fans. "Oh…oops."

"Wise One, could you bring them back. I understand now, bring back everyone that we have killed."

"Yes, very good, you have learned well. I'm glad to see it. And so…" Glowing with light the Wise One rose everyone up. Bunza4Prez, the Takahashi, the thousands of Golden Sun fans that had been killed over the past weeks, everyone. "And now, celebrate for all is well again. Just know that none can be brought back again, it's one and done. See you later bitches I'm off for a gin and tonic and…I mean…OOOOHH! I'm the Wise One!" At that the Wise one departed.

"Well…I guess we all learned an important lesson here today." began Isaac.

Suddenly an annoyingly familiar voice popped up. "Yeah, that killing is bad and we should all respect each other." It was Rief who now had the entire room glaring at him. And so the thousands of fans lead by Alex and Isaac fell upon Rief and destroyed him, once and for all. And then the party began.


End file.
